Don't let this happen to you

So, I'm searching the net for van-related videos, because I'm a van nerd who doesn't have a life, and I found this little film. And, do you know what? – it got me thinking.

What would I do if this happened to my van? Okay, so this is a mock up and the van wasn't really crushed by a giant metal ball, but I have mates who regularly have to park on or near building sites and their vans have been dented, scratched and covered in filth while being parked up and unattended.

And, do you know what, there's not much they can do about it! (Okay, I agree, when it's just dirt they can take it through a car wash on the way home, I know, but they're still out of pocket!)

Anyway, one of my sparky friends was on a site the other day and when he went to his van to get tools he noticed a huge great dent in the back. In fact, it made it hard for him to open the back doors. He reckons something huge, like a digger, must have backed into it, but when he went to the site foreman the guy told him they could not be held responsible.

So, my mate was left with a dodgy back door on his van, which wouldn't lock properly, and he had to claim on his own van insurance to get it fixed, which cost an absolute packet.

Although he was pleased to get his van made secure again, he did lose his no-claim bonus and had to pay the excess – so there's definitely a moral here.

Firstly, protecting your no-claims discount is probably a sound move and secondly, don't park near where bulldozers, diggers and caterpillars are working, or where a giant metal wrecking ball might fall on your van.

Where oh where has RVP gone?

He's not in the catalogue and it's been said he's unlikely to be on the Gunner's plane out to the Far East on Saturday, but if you looked very, very closely, Robin Van Persie did turn up to training last Monday.

Oh dear, oh dear – you know things are desperate when a player doesn't get featured in the new season catalogue. (You can still have his name printed on a shirt, but you can't see Arsenal's biggest star of last season modelling the new away kit!)

And it's a great kit, too – the Purple Reign!

But, we hear that the great Van man himself is comparing deals from Man City, Man Utd, Juventus and even Real Madrid. My money's on Los Blancos to get him. But whether he'll do good there is another matter.

Well, Mr Van Persie, one thing's for sure, my missus will miss you if you leave the Premiership. She picked you for her fantasy football team at the beginning of last season (when it really didn't look like a good move) and you scored her shed loads of points.

I remember the game back in October last year. Arsenal against Chelsea and no-one gave the Gunners a thought, but my wife had sneaked RVP into her team – "I don't know why," she said "I just compared the strikers and he looked a good buy." – and he scored a flamin' hat-trick.

So, wherever Van Persie goes, my wife now considers herself a fan and she's a bit upset that he's not likely to play for Arsenal next season. "Ooh!" she said, when I told her, "He'd look lovely in purple!"

Don't get me started.

High voltage highways?

Today I heard something I didn't like the sound of one bit.

A team of Japanese scientists have found that electrical current could be pumped through concrete roads up into the wheels of electric vehicles to keep them fully charged at all times.

I quickly want to add that it's not the electric vehicles I have a problem with – unlike a surprising number of people – it's this whole electrifying the roads thing.

Their experiment showed that current could pass through concrete and go through a set of tyres to light a bulb (as pictured in the attached image).

Now, scaling this up to work on real roads isn't something that's going to be happening any time soon – if ever – but wouldn't it be really dangerous?

If an electrical current is powerful enough to go through 12 inches of concrete, up through thick rubber tyres, and power a whole vehicle – doesn't that mean that stepping onto the road as a pedestrian, or accidentally touching the frame of your bike while riding along could be fatal?

I don't really know – I don't know enough about electricity to understand how it would all work – but it sounds unwise to me.

Still, they're clever people. I'm sure they won't invent something that will reduce our carbon footprint at the cost of several hundred lives a year…

Van gleaming in the rain

Wow – we've had a lot of rain recently haven't we!

I heard on TV the other day that in the last few months we've gone from having something like the driest summer on record to the wettest one. Ridiculous!

I feel really sorry for the people who've had water coming into their homes and causing damage and disruption. I'm lucky enough to have my home situated on high ground, so I've not had to worry about flooding.

The only good thing about the copious amount of rain we've had recently, in my opinion, has been that I haven't had to clean my van for weeks and weeks!

Usually I have a good sponge-down of the paintwork and the wheels every weekend so that people can read my logo properly and see that I take pride in my business.

However, the amount of water that's fallen from the sky, and the number of puddles I've had to negotiate, has meant that my van's paintwork and tyres haven't gathered any grime at all.

It's been quite nice – looking out of the living-room window and seeing my van gleaming in the driveway without having had to lift a finger.

Still, I'd really like to have a good summer though – so if the weather could stop messing about soon that would be great!

Of cats and van men

You'll question how what I'm about to say relates to vans or driving initially, but bear with me.

Apparently George Osborne's cat Freya, who had been lost for a good while and didn't seem to be about to make a reappearance, has returned to Downing Street.

This has raised concerns that Larry, the no.10 mouser – who on all accounts is pretty rubbish at his job but has been the subject of some entertaining slow news day reports – might feel threatened by the presence of another feline.

So far there's been no bust-up, but I'm guessing that the moment there is the Daily Mail will be all over it – with several unnecessarily large photos of the fight on its website under a headline which contains the word ‘shocking'.

Anyway, this report about Freya's return – from the Daily Mail and containing six large photos (four of which are of the cats in question) – got me to thinking about another cat-related story I heard some months ago.

This is where my story actually becomes a little more van-focused.

In Australia someone's pet cat was presumed lost for several weeks after it jumped into the back of its owner's neighbour's removal van and got taken to the other side of the country.

I can't remember how it got back to its home, but it did.

After hearing that story I always check that there are no cats sneaking around in the back of my van before I shut the doors and drive off after a job. I don't want to accidentally cat-nap someone's beloved pet – and I don't want to have to clean cat poo from the inside of my van either!

How to Get Cheap Van Insurance

Although there are actually thousands of websites handling van insurance, not many of them give you information on how to get cheap van insurance. In this blog I’d like to tell you some of the approaches on how you can get the best quotation for your vehicle.

The primary and foremost pre-condition when you select any kind of van insurance is to shop around. Do not submit an application for your vehicle insurance without checking several different sites. Make sure your van has a valid MoT, road tax and if you have a good build-up of no-claims discount then you’ll hopefully get a cheaper quotation on your van insurance policy.

The next van insurance consideration is to opt for a suitable policy for your van. There are several kinds of policy available, the single van insurance policy or a fleet insurance policy. Fleet insurance can be cheaper than adopting single policies for a number of vans and you will deal with less paperwork.

You could insure your van for one driver or choose an any driver van insurance policy, so that a number of different drivers can use the vehicle.

Another factor in obtaining a cheaper quote is parking your vehicle in a safe place when its not in use. The best place to keep a commercial vehicle overnight is in a locked garage or secure car park. The reason for this is fairly plain. Insurance companies are likely to give you a better quotation on their policies on the condition that your van is sheltered from risk of easy theft.

The best and the easiest approach to obtain cheap van insurance is to buy insurance online. You can check out a variety of policies online enabling you to obtain the cheapest policy that would fit your needs. In addition, lots of sites offer great discounts for buying online rather than buying on the high street or over the phone, so why not check out compare online van insurance today.

The author of the article is Asad Ullad. If your interested in a lorry insurance quote, then check out LorryInsurance.org

Comparing mum to a Volkswagen Crafter

It took some persuading, but I've finally managed to convince the missus to have a boob job.

Ever since she had the kids, her boobs have not compared to the full and perky peaks they used to be and she has at last agreed to undergo the procedure.

In reality, the only thing that held her back was fear of the knife but after finally being assured that she'd be safe, she's agreed that she'll undergo the operation in September, which means there'll be just enough summer left to take the new boobs on holiday with us to Spain, where she'll be able to proudly show them off in (or out) of her bikini.

My youngest daughter though has accused me of being misogynist (a word she apparently learnt at school and explained the meaning of in a very superior way). "Let mum be natural," she said. "Be proud of who she is." And with that she ran upstairs for a good sulk in her room.

Personally, I reckon she's just jealous. She may be sixteen now, but she doesn't have much to speak of up top, and, as far as I can make out, boys just don't seem to be interested. Not that I can blame them.

"Boobs," I told her, "Are part of what makes a woman a woman. If that weren't the case, men would have them. The bigger and more beautiful the boobs, the bigger and more beautiful the woman."

Despite the clear logic of my argument, little missy thinks that just because she won the debating prize at school, she knows best. In her eyes I'm just some under-educated van driver.

"Women should not be defined by their boobs, dad," she told me, "But by their words, actions and achievements. Mum has brought up two girls in an obscene and anachronistic patriarchal household and one of us is already at university. That is an achievement, particularly when you compare it to the education she herself had. Breast enhancement is an act of male violence and mutilation and you are the perpetrator."

Me, the bleedin' "perpetrator"! She must be having a laugh. The procedure is going to cost me £4,000 – that's several years' worth of van insurance. It's going to be the best present ever. What's more it will be one I can enjoy too!

But, no, this doesn't hold with Little Miss Know-it-all. "Mum is not some object. She's not like a Volkswagen Crafter that can be enhanced with add-ons and alterations. She's a woman!"

Yes, love, and she'll be even more of a woman come September.

Tyre labels help drivers make the right choice

I was inspecting my van's tyres the other day and I noticed they weren't really looking their best, so I did that test with a 20 pence piece to check if the treads were deep enough.

Lo and behold, they were in danger of becoming too shallow and so I immediately set off to buy myself some new ones.

I really wish I'd waited though, because companies have now started labelling tyres so that buyers know how efficient they are, how noisy they are on the road, and how safe they are in wet weather.

I went for a well-known brand that I've used a few times throughout my driving career, without incident, but I'd really have liked to be able to see how they compare with other makes and models.

For all I know, some lesser-known brand which costs less than the one I bought, is more efficient and would have meant that I could save more money on fuel.

It all depends what you're looking for in a tyre, really. If all you care about is the price then the new tyre labels won't be much of an interest to you, but in my opinion they really should be.

Sometimes ignorance is bliss, but I'd rather be given all the information so I can make the right decision for me, my van, and my business.

Wear it and wipe it on your wedding day

I got married last year. Wait, before you congratulate me, there's something you should know.

The whole ordeal basically broke the bank. Instead of spending the summer with my mates comparing new vans or Spanish holidays I'm stuck at home with my fattening wife engaged in a power struggle for the TV remote. Oh the joys of married life!

It shouldn't have been like this. I told her again and again that I would be happy to marry her but only if the event was low-key and low-cost.

"Oh, don't you worry," she reassured me, "I'm not one of those terrible TV brides. I just want a nice simple dress and simple ceremony and maybe a few friends for drinks afterwards."

So it was a bit of a surprise to me when she guffawed at my suggestion of using the Toyota Hiace as the wedding vehicle. Fair enough, I thought, I can see why you want a Bentley, but this will be our one extravagance.

As for that simple charity shop dress, it turned into a four-figure work of art, while the few friends for drinks quickly became a hotel and a marquee.

Whenever I said that it was all getting a bit out of hand, she just compared it to the friends' dos, which, apparently, cost a lot more. "And we don't even have wedding insurance!" she said.

Well, I didn't want bleedin' wedding insurance. Van insurance is expensive enough as it is. And that's even with all the comparison websites these days.

So when I saw recently that a young designer has won a prize for making a wedding dress out of toilet paper, I sat up and took notice. Not that I'm planning a divorce, yet. But if it does happen, at least I know what the next lucky lady will be wearing on the big day.

Dotted with droppings

You know what? I think I'm going to paint my van green. A nice forest green.

No, I haven't just gone mad. Halfords recently released data from a study it conducted in a few different UK cities, which showed that green cars get pooed on less by birds.

I know that the study was done on cars, but I'm sure the findings would apply to vans too.

Now, currently my van is white, and apparently that means it's not as at risk from being dotted with droppings as red, blue or black vehicles.

But, my thinking is, why not lower my chances of coming out of my house and finding my van showered with – erm, you know – even more?

My only problem is that I believe white vans stand out better on British roads than green ones do.

I'd rather have to clean my van than make a claim on my business van insurance after being involved in a crash…

Maybe I'll leave my van white after all. Leave off, birds!