Nothing compares to the freedom of childhood

One of the best things about growing up on a farm in North Wales during the 1960s was the feeling of freedom I had.

Compared to the mollycoddled, closeted upbringing my kids have had to endure growing up in Manchester, my childhood was all open spaces, long unsupervised days and hard-won lessons in risk.

Perhaps nothing better embodies the bliss and freedom of my childhood on the farm than the many days I spent riding across fields and barely beaten paths in the back of my old man's jeep.

I never strapped in in any way, and would, when moving across the jauntiest of bumps, sometimes scuttle around the back, hanging on for dear life, while my heart leapt and dived.

But we live in a very different world today. Compared to the way things were, I could never just put my kids in the back of my Renault van and let them bounce around the cabin. Firstly, it is against the law and, secondly, it is something that would never be covered under the terms of my van insurance.

So, while part of me feels for the man who was recently stopped by police for carrying his toddler round in the open-top cabin of his van – after all the child was held in place by a rope – part of me just thinks, "Oh for goodness sake man, what were you thinking? It's not 1961, you know!"

As one witness reported, "If the driver had slammed the brakes he could have been crushed by bags of coal. But when police questioned the driver he just said, ‘What's the problem, he's strapped in' and pointed to the rope. No one could quite believe what they were seeing."

Van Persie has shot at comparing to the greats

I can't wait for financial fair play in football to finally come into effect. As an Arsenal fan I watched some of Europe's most bloated and ruthless clubs pillage our club for years.

Kolo Toure, Gael Clichy, Samir Nasri and Adebayor have all gone the way of Man City's oil billions. Fabregas has been mesmerised by the Catalan giant that is Barcelona and now Robin Van Persie, almost certainly one of the three best forwards currently playing the game, is being primed and groomed by Europe's greediest clubs.

I know that Arsenal can't compare financially to the Man Citys, Real Madrids and Anzhi Makhachkalas of this world, but when financial fair play comes into force, all that will change and clubs that exercise prudence, develop youth and foster stability will be the places to be.

Very few, if any clubs, do this quite like my beloved Gunners, so my feeling is that if the unthinkable does happen and Van Persie does depart, there is every chance that it will be a decision he comes to rue.

However much he might feel that Arsenal's ambition bears no comparison with Europe's big spenders, time and again we see that expenditure is no sure way to success. Few would argue with the fact that Chelsea's recent Champion's League win came in spite of their £50 million deal for Torres, not because of it.

So when I'm out driving my Nissan NV200 this morning and I hear that Van Persie could be on the way to Anzhi Makhachkala for £45 million and £300,000 a week, I can't help but think that if he does go to another club it will be at the risk of leaving himself short of the kind of legacy he could only get be staying at a club that makes legends, not mercenaries.

C'mon Van Persie, you have a shot at staying at Arsenal and being compared to the true greats of the game!

It's all downhill from here - Security van driver gets stuck

Oops, a Bournemouth van driver won't be able to hold his head up at the security yard after he managed to get himself trapped in his own van.

According to the Bournemouth Daily Echo, the security van man had apparently got out of the vehicle leaving his keys in the ignition – a definite no-no for security van drivers – and when the alarm went off he decided that the best way to get back in would be to climb in through a hatch on the roof.

Unfortunately, the hatch led to a secure compartment and the driver got well and truly stuck. Apparently, the van was seen rocking from side to side in the busy shopping street and eventually the police were called.

When officers arrived they were informed by the security van driver that the situation was under control – yeah, right – and they left as a colleague from the security company was on their way to help.

I ask you…some van drivers! Still, I can't talk, I had to change the tyre on my Ford Transit at the weekend and managed to almost lose the wheel down a hill. Luckily, my eagle-eyed daughter was with me and she went running off after it as it started to roll away. She's a quick old stick and managed to rescue the wheel and bring it back to me. I didn't half feel stupid (but I don't think it compares to the Bournemouth security guy!).

Still, my van now has four good tyres, and a driver who knows never to leave the keys in the ignition when he gets out…oh and…wheels and hills aren't a great combination.

Shall I compare these to the Queen's knickers?

One of the weirdest couriering jobs I ever had was back in the 60s when a rock star of the era, whose name I'm still unable to disclose at the risk of losing certain gig-going privileges, asked me to go and buy all the bras and knickers in not one, not two, not three, but four particular sizes from the famous underwear shop Rigby & Peller..

When I arrived at the shop, I was expecting to get more than a few funny looks and, at worst, a refusal to grant my request. But once I mentioned the rock star's name and said that the purchase was for his account, the assistant just calmly nodded her head like it was the most natural thing in the world.

So, with a van full of bras and knickers I headed for the hotel suite where my client was staying. And when I get up to his rooms, there he was lying back on chaise lounge with a suspicious looking cigarette and four semi-clad women – two brunettes, a blonde and one tall and beautiful African.

"Here's your order," I said, looking a bit shy, I guess. "At first I thought they were going to laugh me out the shop."

What he said next has always stuck with me. "See these ones," he said. "These are for Veronica. She's exactly the same measurements as the Queen, you know. They compare exactly, top and bottom, if you know what I mean."

How he knew that Veronica and the Queen shared exact bra and panty size is something that troubled me, even then. And the more I think about it, the more troubled I become. Had he, the old devil, actually enjoyed a night of passion with Her Royal Highness, sizing her up for good measure too. I wouldn't put it past him, but it still seems unlikely, if not treason, to think about it.

Had Veronica and Liz II at some point stood beside each other doing a comparison of their vital statistics. Again, it hardly seems probable.

Had Rigby & Peller as outfitters to the Queen made the disclosure? It would seem a bit crass – why would they?

Well, this is what I found myself pondering the other day while behind the wheel of my new Volkswagen Transporter van when over the radio comes story of how a pair of the Queen's 26-inch waist knickers are to be auctioned. Now, who on earth managed to get his hands on them? I have a hunch that I just might know. The old devil.

Penny-pinching money-wasters

When so many people are desperately trying to find cheap car and van insurance deals, it surprises me to hear that many people are wasting their money in other ways after working so hard to find a great quote.

Home Office data shows that apparently £18 million is wasted annually by drivers who fail to pay parking tickets or penalty notices on time.

I understand that it's annoying finding one of these slips under your windscreen wiper, or being handed one by some authority or other, but to be stupid enough to think it will go away if you just leave it unpaid is sensational.

Many fines increase by 50% if you don't get round to paying them in 28 days – so it makes sense to just get it over and done with and learn from the experience.

Actually, I'll tell you an even better way of keeping your hard-earned money – don't receive a fine in the first place.

Is it really that difficult to drive in a safe and considerate fashion? People are often quick to point the finger at white van men, but as one myself I see many other drivers acting in a reckless way on the road, and the majority of them are not in vans!

The day I see a driverless van is the day I'll count myself redundant

I don't quite know how to receive news of Google's driverless car being granted a driver's licence for use in the US state of Nevada.

I can't help but feel that it heralds a new era for the automobile. When I first got my licence back in 1981 I had no trouble at all finding a van drivers job and, eventually building up my own specialist courier firm.

Over the years I've had a few prangs, had to contend with increased congestion, hikes in fuel and van insurance price and the odd bit of "white van man" prejudice but I know that compared to some, such as those from UK's once great industrial cities who've lost their jobs and communities, I haven't had it all that bad.

Yeah, granted, I've had two Ford Transits stolen – and suffered the van insurance claim consequences – had a hip replacement (years of football caught up) and developed a bit of asthma after years of smoking, but I'm not in bad shape.

But the world is changing. I've accepted this, albeit grudgingly, I'm on Facebook these days, my business has a website and I've even got an online bookings system, but the day I have to compete against a driverless van will be the day I finally retire.

I reckon that the day is now not that far away. Compared to how quickly technologies evolved a few decades ago, things happen at light speed now. And I can tell you that there's no way, absolutely no way, I'll ever stoop to comparing driverless van insurance quotes.

Van driver called to catch hamster

One van driver was called out to a very unusual job recently in Derbyshire.

A man who works for the RAC was phoned up by a stressed mother reporting a strange problem with her VW Passat.

Mechanically the car was fine, but the problem was that the mother had just bought her 11-year-old daughter a hamster and it had escaped.

She stated, "I opened the door and saw my daughter doing this juggling effect [with the hamster]. As I went to grab it, it bit [my daughter] and he shot straight under the back of the dashboard."

She says that after a good long while failing to find the hamster, no doubt attempting to lure it out with food at some point, they called the RAC.

Apparently, according to the girl's mum, when the van driver got out he was chuckling and asked her, "Is this for real?'"

I can well imagine it was the strangest call out he'd been on and he probably thought it was part of some TV programme.

The mum continued, "We had to tear the car to pieces. We took the underneath of the glove box out, we took the steering column off and he shone the torch behind the stereo and he said 'I can see it!'

"We opened the bonnet, up pops Houdini's head, I then scooped him gently up."

Reportedly it took two hours to recover the now aptly named Houdini from the vehicle.

I'm guessing they'll never let the animal near it again, and that the van driver will retell that story quite a few times during his career!

Van drivers should lead the way to a new Britain

I've just about had it with the way modern society works. When we're not at our wits' end looking for half decent schools for the kids or trawling through the internet late at night comparing van insurance quotes and mortgage rates, we're worrying about how the blimey we're going to find a petrol station that hasn't run out of petrol.

If that isn't enough, we have incidents like the London riots, terrorism alerts and talk of the retirement age eventually being raised to 105.

And then, just when we think that we can't possibly have any more to worry about, we're driving through town (as I happened to be in my Vauxhall Vivaro) when onto talk radio comes some IQ-enhanced professor from an American university to tell us that democracy is the problem.

Yes, according the professor it is the "short-termism" of democracy that is to blame for all our ills. As he would have it, having such short periods in office makes politicians accountable only to the fluctuating short term self-interest of the whimsical masses.

And what happens as a result? Well, apparently it's global warming, economic meltdown and fundamental instability.

Yeah, great one, professor. Is that why my dad fought in the Second World War and damn well nearly lost his life on the beaches of Normandy? Is it why my son and nephew are now out in Afghanistan risking their youth and future? All so that we can continue to propagate a fatally flawed democracy?

As you can see, the thought that democracy might be to blame really riles me. What's the alternative? I mean compared to other systems, surely it wins out. As Winton Churchill once said, "Democracy is the worst form of government except for the alternatives."

Well, as I've had enough, how about a vanocracy? Yeah it would be kind of random, but aren't all the alternatives as well, including our current form of limited, celebrity politician, sound-bite obsessed democracy.

Under the terms of a vanocracy, it would be van drivers who were in command. After all, we're brilliantly qualified for the job. We know and understand our cities and towns as we drive through them every single day. We know the issues as we're rarely to be found without a newspaper or the radio on. And most importantly, we're of the people.

So there it is, vanocracy, government by van drivers for the masses, almost certainly the worst form of government, except when compared to the others, including democracy.

Comparing van insurance quotes wipes the fuel blues away

Apparently fuel prices have risen more than 140p per litre on average, so it's no wonder I feel poorer than usual at the moment.

I do try and find the cheapest forecourts to refuel at if possible, but more often than not I park at the closest petrol station, close my eyes, and fill up regardless of the price.

The way I see it is I have to fuel up anyway, so why stress myself about the cost when I can't do anything about it.

What I have been looking into, however, is cheaper van insurance.

comparethemarket.com's Director of Insurance Partnerships states, "While drivers can do little to save on fuel costs, they could potentially look at other ways to reduce the overall cost of driving and offset the fuel price rises.

"comparethemarket.com offers a quick and simple way to compare van insurance and could help drivers to find a better deal than they are currently paying. By switching to another provider, van drivers could make significant savings."

Yes, this is blatant self-advertising, but what the spokesperson is saying is true, although there are other van insurance comparison websites available,

By doing a price comparison on a website called iVan the other day, I found a quote that would save me about £200 on my annual premium. I'm definitely going to be getting it!

I thoroughly recommend doing a price comparison to all van drivers.