I got married last year. Wait, before you congratulate me, there's something you should know.
The whole ordeal basically broke the bank. Instead of spending the summer with my mates comparing new vans or Spanish holidays I'm stuck at home with my fattening wife engaged in a power struggle for the TV remote. Oh the joys of married life!
It shouldn't have been like this. I told her again and again that I would be happy to marry her but only if the event was low-key and low-cost.
"Oh, don't you worry," she reassured me, "I'm not one of those terrible TV brides. I just want a nice simple dress and simple ceremony and maybe a few friends for drinks afterwards."
So it was a bit of a surprise to me when she guffawed at my suggestion of using the Toyota Hiace as the wedding vehicle. Fair enough, I thought, I can see why you want a Bentley, but this will be our one extravagance.
As for that simple charity shop dress, it turned into a four-figure work of art, while the few friends for drinks quickly became a hotel and a marquee.
Whenever I said that it was all getting a bit out of hand, she just compared it to the friends' dos, which, apparently, cost a lot more. "And we don't even have wedding insurance!" she said.
Well, I didn't want bleedin' wedding insurance. Van insurance is expensive enough as it is. And that's even with all the comparison websites these days.
So when I saw recently that a young designer has won a prize for making a wedding dress out of toilet paper, I sat up and took notice. Not that I'm planning a divorce, yet. But if it does happen, at least I know what the next lucky lady will be wearing on the big day.