I don't want a dead tree in my van!

That festive time of year is coming round again and in my household there have been some serious disputes about when would be a suitable day to put up the tree.

The only thing my family seems to agree on about the matter is that said tree will have to be transported from the garden centre to our home in my van.

I am less than thrilled. Yes, I'll admit it, my van is perfectly sized to accommodate a very large tree, but the problem is that I'm the only person in my family who is insured to drive my van. That means that I will have to accompany the wife and children to the shops to choose the right tree.

Although that may sound pretty painless, it's actually the opposite. The ritual of choosing the perfect tree is likely to take a couple of hours and the needles of the trees have been known to cause some injuries themselves – they're very sharp!

Then, once we have safely stowed the tree away inside the van, I have another issue to deal with: the smell.

I like the festive smell of Christmas trees as much as the next person, however, it has a habit of outstaying its welcome. The last thing I'll want to deal with on a bad day at work is a bunch of dried up pine needles and an unwanted smell hanging around in the back of my van.

After a lot of tantrums – and not very much compromising – it has been agreed that the tree will go up on 9 December.

Bah humbug!

Cheer up everyone, the UK isn't really that bad!

Due to the state of the economy, I keep coming across miserable articles telling me that tax payers, drivers, and pretty much everyone else will have to keep spending more and more money.

Today I saw a news piece which unapologetically confirmed that the UK is one of the most depressing places to live in Europe.

Well, I disagree! People just need to think a little bit more positively – moping around about a country's food and diesel prices has never done anyone any good.

Here are the top five reasons why I wouldn't dream about driving my van around any other country:

I'm sure the road side cafes in other countries wouldn't be able to serve me my life-long favourite of a fried bacon, egg and sausage butty. And even on the off chance that they could, I can guarantee it wouldn't be served with the right amount of grease.
I love driving around London at Christmas. You definitely won't find the combination of bright red buses, the London eye, and stunning Christmas lights anywhere else in the world.
Driving on the left hand side of the road in right hand drive vehicles. Ok, I'm sure I would get used to switching over to the other side pretty quickly, but let's face it, we're quite unique!
Relaxing country drives. When you don't fancy driving on a manic motorway, there will almost always be an alternative and much prettier scenic route in some classic British countryside.
We're hosting the Olympics in London next year, maybe not too relevant to drivers in the UK, but it's still going to be amazing!

So, rather than thinking about the bad points, I reckon everyone should focus on what they like about this country. And let's not forget Christmas is on its way – the coca cola truck told me so!

Burger van owner victim of criminal behaviour

As a van owner, I know how hard it can be to set up a business and help it flourish, especially in an economic down turn, so I was angry and sad to hear one particular story this week.

A 52-year-old woman from Swindon, whose dream was to own a successful takeaway van and had started up her business after two years of unemployment, had her vehicle set on fire deliberately, police believe.

She only opened her business in April of this year, but since then she's been dogged by problems.

The lady said, "I feel sick. It was my living. I was burgled four times and now this.

"I have been told by a lot of people that burger vans aren't doing too well but I was doing extremely well.

"My food is really the talk of the town. They have told me that people who come here have stopped going to other places because of my burgers – they're home-made.

Sadly, she believes that the damage to her burger van, which she bought over the internet for around £7000, won't be covered by the insurance.

I know how lost I'd be if my van was damaged past repair and my business van insurance didn't cover it. I say good luck to this lady and I hope she gets her dream back on track.

Photo © timparkinson via Flickr, under Creative Commons Licence

Dancer extraordinaire exhibits unforgettable performance... with 5 ton digger!

My van is tough, efficient and reliable, and is always with me every step of the way, wherever I'm planning to go. However, I can't say that I've ever been tempted to collaborate with my Ford Transit to put on a dance performance – as graceful as my van can be, I doubt that I would do it any justice.

Mind you, French choreographer Dominique Boivin seems to think that performing with a vehicle is a good idea.

The dancer has stunned audiences during a contemporary dance event held in Chennai, India by showcasing a performance with the help of a five-ton digger.

Boivin's routine involves him getting pretty close to the claw of the digger which he leaps over, swings off of and at one point even looks as though he might be crushed by the vicious looking device.

Ok, the whole show, named "Transports Exceptionnels", looks very impressive, and I would be the first to agree that vehicles can be much more agreeable than humans to interact with, but surely using one as a dance partner is taking the relationship between vehicle and man a little bit too far?!

I think I will be keeping my relationship with my van strictly professional, and to be honest, I don't think anyone needs another reminder of my dancing skills after those infamous moves I attempted to make at my wedding reception!

Photo © volpelino via flickr, under Creative Commons Licence

Road ragers their own casualties

Now, I'm no wilting violet when it comes to asserting my place on the road.

Over the years I've learnt that a confident approach works best, whether you're following the law at intersections, roundabouts or in car parks. 

I've also, in the few van insurance claims I've been involved in, learnt that being frank and honest compares favourably as a strategy to being overly polite and apologetic.

Road rage, however, is a completely different matter - however much we might like to take our anger out on the abysmal, selfish or dangerous driving of some plumped up pillock from Putney, I'm glad to say that I always keep my hands on the wheel, my eyes on the road and my actions firmly within the scope of the law.

Not everyone, however, manages quite the same level of restraint. Compare me, for example, to a driver from Blackpool who recently had a Michael Douglas Falling Down-style road rage episode after believing himself to have been cut-up by a bus.

In retaliation, he then overtook the bus, slammed on the brakes, got out of his van and started banging on the sides of the bus and spitting at its driver-side window.

For his troubles he's now been rewarded with a 100 hours community work, 12 months supervision and a £50 compensation order.

Compare that outcome to keeping cool, calm and collected behind the wheel of your van – I certainly know whom I'd rather be.

£1,200 to unclamp a lorry - you must be joking!

You've got to be careful where you park nowadays, but it's not easy to always get it right when there are overgrown bushes hiding signs and unreadable washed-out plaques attached in places where they would never catch your eye.

Recently a haulier company was charged £1,200 pounds to have one of its lorries unclamped after waiting to make a delivery of flour in Essex.

The Road Haulage Association stated, "The ‘No Parking' sign was very small. It's grossly unfair, especially as hauliers are working to the tightest possible margins and under tremendous pressure."
I'm extra careful when I park my van anywhere. I often keep an eye out for any approaching clampers too if I'm not sure if I've missed a ‘no parking' sign.

My van insurance is pretty cheap because I found a great quote, but that doesn't mean that I can afford to be giving away money!

The driver for the unfortunate company was told that the fee for removing the clamp would increase by £100 every hour until the clamping firm received payment.

The lorry driver said, "We've been clamped before – £250 on motorway services. That sort of amount you put down to experience – it isn't worth the fight.

"But this is outrageous. We dealt with the company from the office – we had half an hour soul-searching and paid up by credit card. At the end of the day, we had to move that load."

An appetite for destruction

I reckon it's so unfair that white van man gets such bad reputation, whether he's driving a Renault, a Volkswagen or a Ford, when in my experience he's like a saint compared to the average Chelsea tractor driver.

Take for example the black Range Rover which recently careered into a burger van in Plymouth, causing the mobile kiosk to be thrown 20 metres into the air.

There was some serious debris thrown up, including chip pan oil, cooking equipment, drinks cans and food.

Poor old Linda's Kitchen, left completely destroyed.

Fortunately though, 53-year-old Linda escaped.

"I can't believe I'm still here to tell the tale," she said.
"It was terrifying.
"One minute I was setting up the van and was about to turn the grill on, the next I was lying on the floor under a pile of rubble.
"There was an almighty crash and I remember hearing the gas canisters and seeing chip fat everywhere.
"I know I am very lucky to be able to walk away from it. Looking at the wreckage after, I can't believe I wasn't hurt or even worse.
"I was stood at the far end of the van when the car crashed into it which is why it was so lucky."
Police say that the accident was caused by the Range Rover driver being blinded by the sun, but I'm not so sure…

I know what it's like to work up an appetite while out on the road. Perhaps Linda's burgers are without compare and the 4WD driver just let his hunger get the better of him. It certainly has a ring of truth to it when compared to that old "blinded by the sun" chestnut.

Photo © kalleboo via Flickr, under Creative Commons Licence

Want to travel in luxury? Try the Ford XXL for size

It has recently come to my attention that when Ford Transit was crowned International Van of the Year in 2007, engineers at the company took it upon themselves to build a specially designed stretch-limo style Transit Van in celebration.

Apparently the vehicle is so special and unique that it is one of the most expensive Transit vans.... EVER!.

The pricey van, called the Transit XXL boasts an overall length of 7.4 metres, eight captain's chairs, of which six have individual DVD screens, and sliding doors.

Although this all sounds very luxurious, I just can't get my head around it! Don't get me wrong, Transits are incredible, but why on Earth would a person want to turn up somewhere in an overly-long van.
I understand that for some special occasions, such as weddings and hen dos, people like to make an entrance with a fancy car, but I really can't imagine that an oversized van with blacked out windows would really cut it!

I know that when my Transit is compared to the super Transit, it looks a bit plain, but I'm pretty sure that even if the XXL cost less than my current model, I wouldn't consider the change!

After all, how would I fit all of my stuff into a van which is already chocker with seats?! Give me a proper van any day!