Van trip band tour cancelled

The prodigal son arrived home this weekend after venturing off into the world for a few weeks and the first thing he said after dumping half a ton of dirty clothes in front of his mother, was, "Dad, can I borrow your van?"

Not an entirely off-the-wall request you might think, but the problem is, the apple of my eye hasn't passed his driving test yet, and although he's a bit of a Jack-the-lad, one thing he won't do is break the law by driving uninsured.

So, I'm thinking the request to use the van probably means he'll need the man as well, and that means me!

So, there I am, on my weekend off, lugging his new girlfriend's band's stuff down to Brighton for their first paying gig because I'm the only one they know with a van big enough to cart the guitars, amps, drum-kit, and microphones anywhere, and I'm certainly the only one they know mug enough to do it all for the price of a pint of beer – which I enjoyed when we got home of-course.

However, I don't think it'll be a regular thing, because despite the band's enthusiasm and obvious dedication to the cause, they didn't exactly raise the roof of the dingy little place they performed in for 45 minutes last Saturday.

And although I'm no Frank Sinatra meself, I recognise that as a lead singer, hitting at least a few notes in tune with the rest of your band mates is possibly a good idea.

Still, my son obviously likes the girl, because he did most of the heavy lifting and even paid for the van's fuel. But in terms of another van trip on their world tour of the South Coast, I don't think I'll be getting the job because I couldn't stop laughing while the love-of-his life caterwauled her lungs out – and sad to say, as I was one of only five people in the crowd, I think she may have noticed.

Your satnav doesn't always know best, so don't always listen to it

Sometimes I really do find myself wondering if people should have their common sense tested before they are sold a satnav.

At least once a month I hear an outrageous tale of an awful situation a driver has managed to get themselves into because they were hanging onto every last word of their satnav.

You'd have thought that with all these ridiculous news stories, drivers would have learnt that maybe their satnavs aren't as wise as they seem.

Well, apparently not.

The latest story I came across involved a lorry attempting to squeeze its way down an alley way. Yes, a 13-ton lorry drove down a walkway intended for pedestrians. Unfortunately, the satnav didn't foresee any problems with its suggested route and the lorry, pretty predictably, became wedged between two buildings at the other end of the alley.

The driver had to sleep in his cab for the night and wait for a rescue team to sort out the situation. I'm glad I haven't made any satnav blunders in my van worthy of comparison to this incident!

Surely a driver, especially a lorry driver, must have some idea about which places are safe to drive. Maybe some sort of guidance should be issued with satnav sales, for example:

• Driving on a main road – Yes
• Driving on the motorway – Yes
• Driving down an alley way – no
• Driving over a cliff – NO!

That ought to do it!

Introducing the new logjam donut

It's like something that could easily be compared to an episode of The Simpsons: vans are heading down the motorway when suddenly they crash, causing around 20 tonnes of donuts to spill onto the road.

Emergency services swiftly arrive on the scene eagerly hoping to mop up the spoils – I can almost hear Chief Wiggum say, "C'mon boys, turn your radios off, we're going to be dealing with these donuts for some time."

But before he knows it, in move the looters, Homer Simpson included, a whole riot breaks out and, with the large-scale civil unrest threatening to undermine society and the police completely compromised by their donut dripping faces, Martial law is declared.

Sure, I might be extemporising slightly, but I do know is this for sure: this week a couple of vehicles crashed, causing innumerable donuts to be left strewn across the motorway.

With the oleaginous dough-based sweets all over the road, there was donut logjam as vans became stuck in tailbacks as police attempted to clear icing from the road – for although icing might be a good thing on baked dough, it's bona fide van insurance hazard when it's on asphalt.

I've never driven my Renault van on a donutted road surface, but my guess is that it might compare unfavourably to driving on ice.

The disloyalty of my favourite country road

I was merrily driving along a country road the other day. It's a road I use a lot and find a lot more relaxing than tackling the M25 at rush hour. Unfortunately, that day it seemed as though I may have been better off on the jam-packed motorway.

My favourite road betrayed me when disaster struck in the form of a stone. In hindsight, I reckon it was more of a rock, but my wife tells me I'm exaggerating. Mind you, she didn't see the brute.

So, I was cruising along in my van, when out of nowhere, the road threw a stone at my windscreen. And to add insult to injury, the whole attack left a souvenir in the form of a chip in the glass.

Now, I didn't panic because I was familiar with a television advert which reassures me on a daily basis that they would come and seal up the offending chip to prevent it from rapidly worsening. But when I called up said company, the employee on the other end of the phone told me I would have to drive myself to their centre for the quick fix.

The cheek! After the trauma I had suffered, I was then expected to drive my poor van to another location. Don't forget I was basically risking my entire windscreen caving in on me.

However, against the odds I made it to my destination unscathed, and I now have a close-to-flawless windscreen. Perhaps getting a chip in my windscreen wasn't the worst nightmare ever, especially as it was relatively easy to patch up the damage quickly.

Yesterday I braved the country road again and spotted a fox doing its business on the grass verge. Well, if that's not karma, I don't know what is!

No profit in the Simon Cowell security feature

I don't know if I should take it as a compliment or as an indictment of the van's security features, but I was surprised to learn this week that my van, the Ford Transit, is the most stolen in Britain.

Okay, it may be desirable compared to other vans, but what's the point in owning it if it's just going to get stolen, put your business on hold, and bump up the cost of your next van insurance quote.

Perhaps I could try and make it as undesirable as possible. Maybe an over-sized picture of a topless and smiling Simon Cowell would do it – but, no, I doubt if this strategy would help balance the books (however well-balanced the moobs).

Oh, I know, I'll switch to a Mercedes Sprinter or a Volkswagen Transporter, surely they compare a lot better in the stolen van stakes – oh, hang on, what's that? Maybe not.

You see, the Sprinter and the Transporter are the next most stolen vans. "Our van hit rates show that the Transit is most likely to have a history that's worth investigating," says Daniel Burgess from stolen vehicle checking agency HPI, "but the Volkswagen Transporter and the Mercedes Sprinter are also ones to research thoroughly."

Holidays are a well deserved break for me and my van

Summer is finally coming to an end and, when I am working, I notice a lot of people making last minute holidays, towing caravans and driving campervans across the UK and onto the ferry to France to lap up what's left of the sun.

Among these holiday-makers I can't help but notice a few that have converted their Ford Transit vans into campervans. As you know, I am a huge van of my own Transit van, but I would never consider changing it into a holiday home.

For starters, I wouldn't want windows looking into the back of my van. It's not as though I have anything to hide, but I don't want other people to be able to see what I'm carrying with me all the time. What if someone else decided to steal the materials that they can spy through the conveniently placed windows? No, I don't want my van to become a victim of an unnecessary crime!

Following this, I would never sleep in my van unless I absolutely had too. And by "absolutely had to", I mean by being stranded in the middle of nowhere with no fuel and no phone signal. My van is my faithful companion throughout the day, but at night I want to be in my immobile bed with access to Sky Sports.

Lastly, there's no way that I want to share my van with anyone. I wouldn't go on holiday on my own, but I can't imagine anything worse than having to put up with my wife and kids in such a small space. And God knows what damage they might do to the van!

My van is definitely going to remain as a work vehicle. It may earn me the money for my holidays, but when it comes to going away it will be having a break of its own, on my driveway.

A waste of a prison van's mileage and fuel

I love driving my van around for work, but I wouldn't like to make journeys unnecessarily. However, according to a recent report, prison van drivers are made to do exactly that.

A privately owned, prisoner transport van was made to drive a 96 mile trip, from Southampton to Banbury, to take a suspect 60 yards from the police station, across the road, to the Magistrates Court.
60 Yards!

Apparently, to make the suspect walk the 30-second distance in handcuffs was a breach of his human rights and an estimated £1,000 was spent on a fortified van which had to travel across three counties to get to the police station.

I understand that the man in question has a right to protect his identity, but this van journey seems pretty extravagant. What would they have done if there was no road between the two buildings? Get a helicopter in?

Adding to the absurdity of the situation, the prison van base is in Oxford, half the distance away which the private van had to travel. However, it is claimed that all the Oxford staff were busy, making it necessary to endorse a two-hour journey, all at the tax-payers expense!

I don't think I'll be considering making a career change to a prison van driver any time soon. Compared to my job where my van is essential, this news story makes the use of another type of van seem completely ridiculous.

Save our ice cream vans!

When I was driving back from work a couple of days ago I overtook a couple of ice cream vans.
Besides my natural urge to consume a large and extremely chocolatey magnum, I also felt relief that although it is already starting to feel a bit chilly, my trade is likely to stay the same, unlike that of the ice cream van.

Later when I got home I stumbled across an article about ice cream vans and apparently I have more reason for concern than I first thought. It appears that trusty old British ice cream vans are in crisis, potentially jeopardising my relationship with the Magnum.

The article states that new EU rules are changing the emission limits that are acceptable with ice cream vans, meaning that some may have to be converted, or even taken off the road entirely.

I've never fancied being an ice cream man myself, but I am extremely fond of traditional ice cream vans and it baffles me that they are facing such measures.

I always knew that ice cream is a much more weather dependent trade compared to my own, but now they seem to have much bigger problems to face. Next time I spot an ice cream van open for business, I think I might do my bit and buy myself a big ice cream – just to support the ice cream vans of course!